To Vee Or Not To Vee!

It’s amazing that you can spend a life time thinking you know someone and then them showing you a whole new side you’d never really imagined before it’s scary for some people and not for others but what’s scary is that anyone feels they should hide their true self in fear of prejudice from small and narrow minded individuals.

Recently I learnt something about a very close loved one, well we were close once but in recent years we had kind of drifted apart which I’m now doing my utmost to change, this person I hold dear to me and love with all my heart, we may not always agree or see eye to eye. I’m sure I irritate him sometimes as he does me but that’s what family is about and being able to be there for each other and when mistakes are had, being able to forgive them regardless, although sometimes a little time is needed.

Within the paranormal and the music world my brother was known as David Vee, was and yes talking past tense but no this person isn’t dead. I’d always kind of looked up to David with some things in my life being inspired by him (That doesn’t mean I always agree with everything he says or does).

We lost contact last year but hadn’t really seen or spoke much since he moved back to Oxford after dad died in 2005, I suppose I was dealing with things in my own way, so relations of any kind were maybe a little stretched at the time. I really wish he hadn’t moved back because losing dad was real hard he was my rock and when he died it was like reality hit home and I finally realised life as we know it, inevitably changes and no one lives forever including those you love dearly. I’m not sure I was the same after that but when I was ready to rejoin the living again, I could have really done with David there.

We used to go for coffee’s every week, something else I miss because that was the time we got away from everything and just chatted without the pressures of real life, because of the distance we live apart that’s now a rarity.

In March of this year Helen and I married, we tried to contact David to invite him but couldn’t get hold of him even through mutual friends. I was disheartened and worried at the same time because we wasn’t sure if he was even OK. I spent a little while tracking him on-line through sites like MySpace, Facebook and of course his own website.I could see the content was changing and he was active, the only two real new things were in a link on his links page and someone else’s name running his profiles “Tansy Tyler”.

Now I know David and if someone was running his profiles it would either need to be a partner or a real trusted friend and I knew he was always content with his choice in living alone and he’d never mentioned this person as a friend, ever!

So 2 + 2 did indeed seem to make 4, that link I mentioned was to a Transgender website and if you hadn’t guessed by now then this blog will become clear very shortly.

The wife and I were still worried so we took an emergency trip to Oxford (from Yorkshire), we had an old address for David, I also vaguely remember another place he lived. The address we had was probably the most recent, so we started there. A guy was outside the property, when we approached him, he seemed a little distant and perhaps odd especially when we asked for David Vee along with another alias ‘Moggy’ as some of his friends knew him. This guy wouldn’t tell me a thing, except to say David was at work and wouldn’t be in for a long time. We left our details in case David got home early.

The other location I knew of, we left for the time being and moved on to a music shop that I knew he frequented whilst in Oxford. The guy was really helpful and let us know where David was working and so off we went in search…………………………

20 minutes or so later we arrived at his work place and walked in, I think as we approached he seemed shocked and unsure of what to say, maybe stunned about our sudden appearance, I don’t know.

We went out into the alley behind his workplace for a chat where he confirmed my thoughts. David Vee was no longer and had in fact changed to Tansy Tyler yes that’s right and he then confirmed he was indeed having a sex change also, I simply replied with something along the lines of ‘yeah thought as much, I still love you no matter what but you should have told me sooner’ the words may have been slightly different but the context was the same.

From this point on in this Blog I shall now refer to David Vee as Tansy Tyler and refer to him as a her and he as a she.

I sincerely believe in equality although not always apparent with my sense of humour but my friends and family know different, just because for me personally something doesn’t work, doesn’t mean for others it can’t and doesn’t mean I won’t respect their choices and paths no matter how diverse it maybe.

Turned out she hadn’t received the communications we’d sent and for some reason the phone number I had was totally wrong even though she’d not changed her mobile in years. The wrong number would most likely be attributed to my fairly recent change of mobile and manually moving all the numbers over.

It must have been so hard, carrying this around her whole life worried about what people may say, think and do and now coming out is something I have much admiration for, as this takes much courage and strength.

Tansy now knows she has the support of the family, I’d already spoken with most of them before going to Oxford and informed them of what I thought was happening and they were all fine with it, so with Helen’s and my message of support also came that of our families.

Tansy expressed that it no longer mattered what people thought because now the dream she’d had her whole life was being followed and coming true. I’d still like to believe though that our support makes a difference and gives her some solace in knowing that she doesn’t need to be alone through this transition and we, the family are always only a phone call away and a few hours by car when needed.

I’ll be honest in saying it was (yes was) easy accepting this change for me because I’m a fairly open person but hard to say good bye to a few things like the name David Vee and saying she and her, it will also be hard saying good bye to the voice. I’ve always felt Tansy had a real nice and distinguished male narrators voice. But those are very small things in comparison and within time the change of title will roll off the tongue much easier and no matter what Tansy is still the same person deep inside. I suppose a vague and weak metaphor would be calling an apple, an apple all your life then learning it is in fact an orange, accepting that but getting use to just the name change.

So today I publicly say with great sadness good bye my Brother, David Vee and with much excitement welcome my new Sister Tansy Tyler.

To Vee or not Vee, that really is what the question was once!

If you have a friend or family member who is curious about transgender and have questions, then there is a lot of support out there for you, like wise if you’ve recently had news of someone’s intentions and your unsure of what to make of it or want support yourself. Medically you should contact your doctor who should as a professional give you some sound advice and details to seek further information. If you have a patronising doctor who doesn’t listen then make a formal complaint and get a new one, or to just save face move onto another source of information.

You can also try Google to find the information you wish.

http://www.transgenderzone.com

http://www.davidvee.com

 (Out with the Vee! In with the Tyler! Tansy Tyler October 2008)

If your reading this blog and have some useful links to help people then please just make a comment, I’ll check them out and if they appear to be suitable then I’ll set the comment and link live.

If you can’t get your head around it, then give it a little time before dismissing that person and remember that person for all intents and purposes is still the same person you know and love inside even if their choice wouldn’t have been yours.

If your about to go through this, or come out then remember you may loose friends but remember this rhetorical question, were they really friends?

Not everyone is as open to this sort of thing, some people fear what they don’t know, some people are just to narrow minded but you will find out who are your true friends and who really has love for you. If you don’t get the support you need from your family then seek out some communities where others have gone through similar experiences, I’m sure they would love to help you.

Finally, remember if someone cannot accept you, for you, then thats their problem and not yours!